Look how lousy this is

At times when we were very young, my brother and I would sit at the "play" table and draw or color. My brother, about 16 moths older than I, would always color within the lines and draw nicer pictures. I would be frustrated because his would be so nice and mine looked like shit. When my mother wanted to see what we were doing, I would say, "Look at how lousy this is." My mother wouldn't argue. I wish that she had explained to me that she was just as proud of my work as she was my brother's. She didn't. I wish she had helped me understand that I should be satisfied with my work if I did the best I can. She didn't.

To this day, I feel like the work I do is inadequate and shameful because it is so clearly inferior to that which others might do ot to that which I know is possible.

I want to be satisfied with knowing that I did my best. I still don't want people to see my work for fear of criticism. I want to be proud of my work. I ought to be proud of everything I do if I did it to the best of my ability.

Even now, when I am struggling to work on my own, I ought to be happy whether I have a "good" day or a "bad" day. I ought to be proud, even if I didn't earn enough because I did it and I am a real person... or am I not?